A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says ... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

Addicted Internet Junkie

YOU are an Addicted Internet Junkie if... 

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!! 

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL." 

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU! 

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom. 

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car. 

8. Tech support calls YOU for help. 

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out." 

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. 

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago. 

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. 

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.   18. You say......."Where did the time go??" 

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on. 

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 

21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods....... 

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life. 

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL...ASAP". 

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****. 

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you. 

26. You're on the phone and say "BRB". 

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.  28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.  

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support: 

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.  In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.  Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.  Can you please help! Joe.  

 

Dear Joe, This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.  Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.  You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.  Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.  When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.  Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.  Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.  Best of luck! Tech Support

 

The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

 

 The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

 

 Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

 

 Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

 

 The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

 

Lucky Guy

I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!

Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

 

But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'

Remarry

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

 

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

 

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

 

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Women's Ultimate Fantasy

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. 

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

 

The Bill

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.  "Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."  "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"  The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

 "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

 At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

  "How much for a season pass?"

 

Noisy Pub

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.  Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now.  The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.  Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man's car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it's job.  "Outta the car, old man!" demanded Redding. "But officer, I haven't had anything to drink!" complained the old boy. "Sure, you haven't, oldtimer, sure you haven't", replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.  At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn't move. "What the...YOU haven't been drinking, old timer!"  But that's what I tried to tell you back there, officer!" "Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?" asked Redding. "Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the 'designated drunk' when the place closed down!"

What’s in Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.  To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. 

No further testing is planned.

Three Drunks

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. 

     The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."  He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!" 

    The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!" 

    The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak.. "I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"  He paused... "I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"

Plumber vs Doctor

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!
I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied...
"Neither did I when I was a doctor!"

Hell of Your Own

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next. The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left.
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one. Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door.
As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says - "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!"

A Bum

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

"I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

Pull the Tooth

A man & wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Cheating Husband

The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

What’s the Matter?

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.

The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"

"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.

"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband."

"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."

So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"

His wife stared at him, and then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what the matter is?" the husband cried.

"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now... (sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply.

"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.

"And now, you come home drunk!!!!"

Microsoft vs GM

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

How to Impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN?

• Compliment her...
• Respect her...
• Honor her...
• Cuddle her...
• Kiss her, caress her...
• Love her, stroke her...
• Tease her...
• Comfort her...
• Protect her...
• Hug her...
• Hold her...
• Spend money on her...
• Wine and dine her...
• Buy things for her...
• Listen to her...
• Care for her...
• Stand by her...
• Support her...
• Go to the ends of the Earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN?

• Show up naked...
• Bring food/beer...

Terrible Lover

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!" The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!"