A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...
"I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Monday, June 16, 2008
Pull the Tooth
A man & wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Cheating Husband
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
What’s the Matter?
A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.
The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"
"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.
"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband."
"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."
So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"
His wife stared at him, and then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what the matter is?" the husband cried.
"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now... (sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply.
"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.
"And now, you come home drunk!!!!"
The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"
"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.
"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband."
"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."
So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"
His wife stared at him, and then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what the matter is?" the husband cried.
"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now... (sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply.
"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.
"And now, you come home drunk!!!!"
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